♥hello darling

♥ramblings of a little girl

yehaa.. Andrew Garcia on American Idol.
I'm so so so looking forward for American Idol season 9!!
seriously i cant wait!

superB excited when i say his audition on youtube.
anyway, he has great videos on youtube. check it out!





time pass too fast. every minute every second doesn't seem so important to me no more.
i used to have life. a life i wish to own till today. a life i wish to hold till death. happiness, joyful, friends, sadness everything seems important. but when the earth spin everything changes. every spin give in a big change. from a high school student to a pre medical student. from home to hostel. from kuching city to kl city. from 17 to 18. when i was young. young enough to have dreams, i always wanted to be in college, stay far from home, make new friends. but i never wish facing what i have to face now.
i hate people taking about me when i can hear them talk. i hate people asking what happen to me when i don't feel like answer anything or say something. i hate my mood swing. my mood changes everytime. one minute im happy another im sad then miserable. another second stress than angry. i feel i have split personality or bipolar. i hate it. i hate everything here that changes my life. i hate the surrounding im in now. i hate everything i owned. i hate waiting and kept waiting wish i know it will never happen. i wish i can bring back my childhood time. moment where im still at home. waking up every morning for school. i know i hahve change and skip lots of classes.
im sorry..
i know i should be happy with what i have achieve. A's is good. having good greds is fun. but what is not fun is stuck here where no one understand. i cant wait till college end.
single life rocks.



i realize things changes
im no more queen of joy
joy full of happiness and laughter
joy with lots of story.

i've turn up to be grumpy old lady
always feeling unhappy, sad
i hate it
it gives me lots of pressure

i wish i could wake up and get back to track
yeah i'm happy for my good result
im happy for doing what im doing now

just people around me faded away
i miss my old day
i miss what i've done before

someone i have n own no longer someone who can cheer me
instate stabbing me like a knife
kept me waiting like as if im on idle!
i hate waiting!
and i kept waiting when i know things never happen!
i hate it when promises one's make never been done!
i hate waiting every single day
i hate weekends!

its hard now
but life goes on
i should focus more on my study and keep away eveything!
everything seems not important anymore!
i hate everything!
i hate the piano i hate shopping!
i really hate myself for not knowing what to do other than study!
i hate him.
waiting for him!
i hate everything!!

and yeah,
someone really need to get some sense of humor!
try to learn to appreciate ones!
try to think about other people feeling and stop hurting me!
you make people like your rubbish!
when you need it you use it if no you dump it in the bin or something!
i hate being your rubbish and im tired of waiting!
im tired of wasting my time for you!
for you im useless.
and you never get to understand!

i miss those days before!
where i can have everything i wanted!
my princess life.
i want it back!
really i wish to have it back!





you hunt me like a hunter hunt a deer.
you took me to a place i belong.
you took away my sadness and tears away.
you gave me joy and happiness.
but not for so long.
you giving me a hard time.
suddenly everything has change
you stab a knife through my heart every time i'm with you
my heart bleeds
bleeds to your though
i cry day by day but u never come
you leave me alone in darkness
i felt scared again i cry

for a moment i glad my friends are around me.
thanks guys.~



will continue this. cant think with watery eyes.~





yeap yeap.!
here come's NOVEMBER!
like every year.
november make me old!
but still will receive pressiezz!!
lalalalalala..

from today, i still have 9 more days to stay 17.

what i have done this year???




-walking around klcc using same shirt with friends after CIE examination



- got 32 nangs in innit



-sushi party


- my first inai



- my very first drink in kl



-oh no



-college futsal



-my frist corona beer



- attend russian class






-cut my hair real short



- my first punjabi suit



-have breakfast, lunch and dinner in mcdonalds the whole year



-finally solve a rubic cube and break it the next week



- kl view from college and condominium window



-meet my bf rahul



-my first time presentation!



-finally went to tasik biru!

and few more crapssss!!!!!

lalalal..
soon im old old old.!
oh yea..
this is also a reminder!
dont forget to sent me prezzies k..!!




finally CIE examination ended
after few months studying and a month without laptop, finally finally finally i got it back!
yehaaa..
but not to happy!
My sem exam coming next month..
sob sob!
just wanted to breath than soon another thing comes..!
not to worry!
will update soon.
after resting!
i really need a good sleep!!



yeah, its hard to walk alone with no legs.
it hard to drive with no wheels
it hard to sing with no voice

someone you love soon be a stranger.
leaving you with broken hearted and sadness
taking all your joys and future away
vanish by one person called a "step" bitch!

i see you like i see no one
my respect to you lost by time to time

i cant tell till when i would give you this smile
smile which i fake my lips
a pretend eyes full of joy
a sweet tone of voice which soon you will never get!

i hate every moment i need to face you
every moment you try to talk good
every moment you pretend to be a dad
every moment you care
i hate all those moment!

today, i see your face
my heart beats
still, no love
you rather sit at the back sit
arghh!!

i cant deny you still care but
there is just no love
no love till .. no words can say

i did everything,
i gave up one's i love to obey you
yeah you say im still young that time
but you dont know how much i care and love him
and now!!!!!
damn!
no words can say
i wish you understand that time how long i admire him!!
but for you i obey

now what do you give me back..??
just see to yourself
you know what you have done better than i do

i just pray that one day
one day you will come back
come back where you begin
come back where you belong to
come back to see us
come back bringing the joy
give back our future
it's never too late as long as you are sincere




"Your so lucky to be rich"
"I want your mum and dad"

thats what people around me always say but no one, no one at all knows how sad it could be to have my parents around. i might be lucky in different way but not happiness. i agrees i have whatever i want what ever i which for what ever i can get in malls but there is only 1 thing i cant have, the happiness of a family.

yeah im jealous. JEALOUS to see you having a happy family, having dinner together on the table, the laughter you and your family make.! im jealous of that. so far as i know, my family never share laughter together. not even having sweet memory together. never. never at all.
the last time we have family trip was like ages ago. i mean a very happy trip. when time passes trip are no more like a family trips but trips of argue. shouts and scream end up crying. im sick of it.

everything have change. every single things in the house has change.

i just realize everything when im home for holiday from college. yeah. alot have change. the house becomes more down, isolated although my mum's favourite sofa is still there.

no one knows just no one knows. the reason i blog is not to show off or to accuse anyone but just for a girl to say out everything in her heart. everything that have not been said but still kept inside. not to get sympathy but to voice out the truth that you should know.

few years back-8 years back, my dad did talk about divorce. leaving my mum, sister, brother and i. leaving me a big responsibility to take care of my siblings. how on earth a wise man could do this to his family. not that i want to scold my dad but why on the first place he want to have family.!! why in the first place i was his daughter?? why on the first place he pick to have mum to make a family?? why just tell me why when you know at the end of the day everyone will get hurt.

after that my dad disappear to no one knows where for half a month. HALF A MONTH.! how suffer he put us in. i hate him! i hate him for giving me the burden i hate him for leaving us i hate him for taking all my happiness away. i hate him for giving me sadness on my childhood period. i hate him for not loving me. i hate him for not caring about me!!

few years past, my parent started back together for our sake. but still we are living in awkward life. where everything is in limits. happiness and laughter which we cant share. but thank God i still see my dad around the house although for not a long time but im ok with it.

years by years, i go on growing with money. still dull and lack of family love.

last year, 2008, i discovered something i really shouldn't have known. it was my mistake. i should have gone to korea that holiday. i shouldn't have stay there. yeah i found out my dad having affair with a bitch. a bitch from his own hometown.

yeah my mum is the second wife, which i dont mind cause his first wife is a n australian. since, they have different way of living i can accept their divorce but not with my mum! what else he want?yeah. have a wife from the same country not only that but also in the same island. still wants another person???!! for what?? isnt the happiness we gave is enough?? why whats the problem?? haihz.

no wonder everyone at home doesn't know how to smile or just forgot how to smile. or even laugh.!

arghhh..!! how could u stay in kk in the the house without us but with a bitch!! why?? why do you buy the same tv like we have at home for that bitch. why now u buying new phone for that bitch and mummy have to buy her own???

where's the karoeke we always do at home?? where has the bbq party gone to where's birthday party gone to??? All gone after that bitch came into your life???? everything you gave her??? all our happiness?? how could you be so mean to do all this to me.. how could you take my family happiness.. how could you??? how about my sister and brother that you love so much??? you just dump them like that just for one bitch with i not even your blood. we are your own blood. your own child. how could you do this to us. yeah im glad you still send me to college after high school. but what will happen will you just dump us like what you did before?? would you do that??

i always though it was a good thing for you to change and work in malaysia again like you use to when i was young. i though our family will get back again like before.. but you did all this just for one bitch one bitch that took away all our family happiness and our future together. the bitch that poison you with all her spells.. blablablabla.

i miss those were the days, where i get to hug you and see your smile.
i miss those days when you scolded me.
i miss those days where we fight.
i miss those days when we having early breafast in Hilton.
i miss those days whn you try to solve my add math question.
i miss those days when you stay hojme ang sing with my piano.
i miss those days we have dinner.
i miss those days when we went for holiday.
i miss those days u tease me till i get so angry.
i miss those days when you pick me up from school and gave me chicken rice for lunch.
i miss those days to argue for tv
i miss those days when you care of me.

i did all this for your attention. i went to clubs.. drunk. sleepover. tipsy all to get your attention but all i get is a physiatrist. not you by my side to talk to me. not you to ask why i did all that.

i know im not perfect. i know im bad im know i disobey you alot. i know im not what you wanted but all i want you to know that i want a dad, a dad just my my friends dad. a dad which dint have to be prefect but dad who care about his family not some other bitch!

i dont hate you like what i always said but i just want you for who you are just like before. a dad that give me happiness for the family not money but love.





Finally, its 12.20 am and i finish my Physics presentation!
been doing since yesterday (:
early actually but really do yesterday!

i though physics would be easier than chemistry presentation, but ah-a both same!!
biology would be easy i guess.!
yeah yeah..
its hard cause i need to look information on physical law and so on.
and read the graph of the electrocardiogram,ECG blablablablabla

its hard!
but the slide is done now only waiting for presentation tomorrow (:

lala.. thats all. going off to iron my formal cloths

wish me luck ya~













..............................better heart

{/♥scream your heart out

♥i think they call it freedom of speech

♥With You

walking around

♥darlinks

♥the loveS ones

♥the past

♥watch me waste my life away

♥advert

....♥money counts....